just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
