I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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