I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
