Yo dont text me then not text me
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i believe in u and ur pee
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
