She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
