Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
