I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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