Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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