hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
