I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
