12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
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the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
True college students do jello shots in the library
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