last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
