Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
