My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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