How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
