coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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