Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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