I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
