Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
