what day is it and did you see me today?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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