Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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