obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
