and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
