Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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