Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
