Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
