Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
