I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
