I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
