I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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