I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize
