Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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