So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
