hotel room ftw
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
