After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
