lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sorry my hands just texted you
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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