he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
