Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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