im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
