My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
