I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
In America we eat man semen.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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