i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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