I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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