I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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