he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
