This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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