i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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