atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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