So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
