I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
