He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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