Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
