the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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