There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm passing your future prison.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we're making bets on your personal life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
