If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
