I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
