I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
