I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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