some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
